i can’t wait til jen and i can hang out for more than a couple of hours. my move back to queens has really thrown off our schedule of love, lol. it was nice having her stay with me at least once a week… we have a ton of fun. and she’s one of the only people that’ll watch degrassi with me

aww i miss her already

i’m doing well today, finally.
i haven’t felt this stress-free in a month. i don’t know why, not much has changed…
i guess just doing that thing where i ignore things, so they can’t hurt me is helping…
i’ve put them in the back of my little head, so i don’t have to face them.
it’s just easier this way.

“the time it takes, the time it takes to let go.”
- thursday.

we need more jess2pidity!

I’LL MAKE A COMEBACK SOON…
WITH A VENGEANCE!

as soon as i roll my little ball(s) up and toss them away.

…sophie and i are gonna go fill up her truck with some shit and go over to my apartment now! …gotta prime for painting too!

i don’t want to say that things are bad, because they could DEF be worse. but everything is calmly chaotic and i’m just waiting for the tiny storm to pass.

i can’t wait to just get a place of my own at this point. hopefully something with character. hopefully somewhere back in queens… missy texted me about a studio her friend has in ridgewood. i’ve gotta call him up to go see it.

this whole living/moving situation is stressing me out, and i feel like it’s spilling out into other parts of my life. i just started dating george and because i’m so stressed out and feeling vunerable, i feel like i’m not giving 100%. i mean, i totally am into us and him<3 but i just feel like i’m in a rut and i have a little gray cloud over my head keeping me from being in tip-top jess shape. gotta snap out of it.

serenity now, serenity now.

my birthday is on saturday… i chose not to go out. instead, i’ll be hosting my very own birthday bash here at the apartment… might as well go out with a bang

laundry time.

saturday morning, my sister and mother got into a huge fight – apparently “because of me” needing a ride to go pick up my jacket from the post office…  (below, sexy. fuck yes. and yeah it’s part/fleece. and it’s not heavy and gross for this time of year at all.)

long story short – sarah had a dr’s appt and was heading out like 20/30 mins from when i woke up so i figured i had time if my mom drove me up to get it, but my sister wasn’t having it…  so i went downstairs and asked my mom if she’d take me fast and she told me to ask my sister…  so i did…

sarah got pissed off that we were asking her for the car because my mom knew “she needed the car all week”, and then my mom got pissed because she was answering me snotty. so she tried to defend me…  don’t know why, but it all escalated between the two of them because they both have bad tempers. they were screaming at each other, and my sister was dropping F-bombs left and right… so my mom told my sister to pack her shit and move out, that she couldn’t take her attitude anymore, and my sister ended up cursing AT her… i just tried to calm the both of them down and make them stop…  i told my mother to stop answering her, and she did…  and then i went upstairs to try to calm sarah down with reasoning and talking and she stopped finally…

so i was in my room cleaning when sarah decided she was going to take me to the post office after rescheduling her doctors appointment…  so i got my shit together since i had no other time to squeeze it in during the day, and went with her.  i got home and got together with robbie blair to work on his website for his upcoming clothing company (which is turning out to be quite productive because he does graphic design.  i’m just plugging everything in, really… i’ll let you know when it’s ALIIIIIIVE!) and as soon as he left, she unleashed the beast on me.

apparently, i’m a shithead for involving her in all of this and her ending up being in a fight with sarah, and she and i are fine…

1. i was complaining to my mother about family, who the fuck doesn’t?
2. i was asking her for a ride after complaining about what sarah had said, and how she said it.
3. i didn’t ask her to “defend” me.
4. i didn’t scream or curse at her.

so i got pissed at this entire stupid situation of her blaming me for all of this, and was talking back to her.  but honestly just logically and realistically.  i don’t know how else to put things but how they are.  and my mother was bitching about all these money issues and shit, and THAT fucking annoys me.  i give her SO MUCH money for my dinky little bedroom, can’t save any money and then get that thrown in my face?  i’m paying here what i could pay for my own place and dealing with bullshit and i’m sick of it.  last month, i gave her $400 extra dollars to help her with cat vet bills AND help her pay off the con-ed bill so that we can get it all taken care of so we can move out properly…  so i say that.  i bring up how i help her and she tells me i should stop throwing it in her face.

all i was doing was telling her how much i do help and that i dont understand why shes always got money problems.  it’s so confusing.  but honestly, if i lived with erica i’d be paying $300 less than what i do here.  she should thank the stars i offered to give her as much as i do. how the fuck have we survived here on half of what i give her now when i was working at cascarino’s?  mind boggling.  all i know, is that she’s not talking to me now because of all this…  and she told me to move the fuck out of her house.

soooooooooo tomorrow i’m gonna go check out the second bedroom at frankie’s place in brooklyn.

i’ve decided it may be good to get out of the hood…  to maybe try something new, because it’s something i’m usually scared of…  i can’t sit around drowning in memories of people and stuff around here.  it’s so annoying and destructive.

now i have an eye twitch because of stress again, worst.

blah blah blah.

anyways. i bought this FANTASTIC H2O shirt tonight…  when i initially found the website selling it weeks ago, it wasn’t available…  so i was going to make it with iron-on letters… but i checked back for whatever reason tonight and there it was, up for grabs! BEST!

i should go lay down, since of course, it’s 2 am. again. WORST!

and i realize that whoever is still around through all of this break-up bullshit (including steve), and makes an effort – really makes me happy.  it really isn’t that hard to pick up a phone and text or call.  and i have regular people reminding me of that.  so i’m going to start filtering people out again, like i did a few months ago.

feckkk you!

back to the goods – shows, mini-trips (iowa?, aruba!, pocono’s), moving out, tattoo’s, coney? (are the boardwalk places still open?), upstate sunday funday’s, mets games, warm nights where i’m not rushing home, other good peoples.

i’m such a hermit in the winter.  i can’t wait to break free.
40′s on my “stoop”, iced coffees in hand without getting frost bite, NO JACKETS, walks home from cascarino’s, TANNING!!, random park tours with sophie  …so excited.