#bestepisodeever

in my inbox:
a) some dude who said he “noticed that i like grunge”
b) toxic avenger had a suggested lover for me to check out
c) rick casualty (yes, of the casualties) – going back and forth about meeting up at a show.
d) ilya and i (along with his comments to me) when i had a huge crush on him back in ’03, going back and forth like strung out idiots not making any type of sense
e) ilya’s friends and i talking, i didn’t know them then but i did this summer
f) me and charlie’s friendship beginnings<3
g) a message to george about piercing my nipples (circa '03)
h) random people messaging me about a vibrator in my picture (shocker)

oh friendster, how entertaining you were for the last hour – thanks.

i can’t believe i have to uproot myself again. at least i’m going back to queens. sure, there may be other parts of brooklyn i could be happier in, but it really doesn’t matter… queens is where my family and friends are. and i’m glad i’m going back. not back to the burbs, but close enough to everyone that matters.

if anything, brooklyn heights will someday sway me back. otherwise…

bk isolation – over and out.<3

thanks jen & ilya for making my brooklyn experience so much fun<333

does everyone deserve what they desire?
everyone seems to think so, i’m not so sure.

i hate who let me down earlier this year, before ilya.
okay, so it’s not HATE… but they made me feel fucking retarded. i hate that.
well, maybe i do hate you’s a little. some pieces, but i really hate the regret that i have.

i can rewind and play back so much shit that burns an anger and frustration that i can’t shake…
things i regret, great things that were said, great things that happened, bad/dumb things that were said/done, actions that weren’t needed if one didn’t care… the “i think about you so much”, the “i miss you”, the “i love the way you feel next to me”, the “i love the way you smell”, the “omg, you’re just like me”… etc. i want to erase it all so much, because i can keep hitting the embarrassing rewind button.

god, i hope i’m not the only one who thinks this way.

this is the longest i’ve been single in 9 years.
…i haven’t even been looking to be in a relationship either, why am i craving one now?
i miss someone sleeping next to me all the time, and being told that someone loves me.
…oh yeah.<3

i’m sick of not being longed for, and being told sweet things here and there. things that made me think i was special… those things especially confused me. what’s wrong with me believing those things? what makes people say those things? sex? i don’t even know at age 27 when someone’s just trying to kick it to me? (i mean if that’s what was going on, i have no idea…)

fuck. wtf?

lol.

ah, worst.

on that note, here’s a boring gem from 2004. lol.

(okay so i forgot to post on the 24th, shut it! we’ll round to the nearest post date, lol)

7/22/04 – la dee da…
i changed the layout again, obviously, lol… i did the picture above really quickly. i found it laying around in the computer and used it. i think i found the suicide with butterflies in someones myspace or something… whatever. i added the rest. gave it it’s own little stujessica-kick.

i can not stop eating oreos. it’s getting very dangerous. i keep grabbing one after the other. mmm. they taste so good.

i don’t wanna write anymore. i don’t think i have anything useful to say. i wish i could just whine out here about how weird my train-of-thoughts are, and where everything in my life stands. talk about all my feelings. but i don’t know who reads this, and it makes me feel vulnerable.

i want to go to school. again. and i don’t know for what. is this web design what i should be doing? i’m not even so sure i’m that great at it… but i gotta find something. i can’t go from job to job all of my life. i wish i had done things properly during high school so that i would be finishing up school NOW… but of course i did everything ass backwards… i feel like if i go back to school i will feel revived. i will be so consumed in school and work that i won’t have time to worry about the things that i do.

yeah, i’m bored of this. i’m gonna sit down and watch people that fuck up their lives royally on maury. hey, at least i don’t have kids yet… or nineteen fathers i have to test… :gross:

feeling jipped? same here.

some side notes here:
a) i still eat oreos like a fiend and have been pondering doing so for a few hours tonight, actually.
b) i felt vulnerable about what i was writing because i knew people i LOATHED at the time were for a fact reading my website.
c) haha, apparently web design IS what i’m doing.
d) 27 going on 28 and STILL no kids! (with or without their daddy) WOO!

i just went through a SHIT TON of archived blog bs – it kind of makes me want to go back in time and slap myself in the face for typing the way that i did, and saying some of my common terminology.

example: KoOoOoOLiEs.

barf.

i did have in their entirety, my old layouts up which i haven’t looked at in ages and it was inspiring and weird… i also found some good blog posts, really dug for some juicy july posts around this date from other years, but stuck with only the 5 years ago post instead. a few made me sad (i read about when my sisters boyfriend ryan passed away and about my dad), a lot made me feel comfort and nostalgic and familiar and i’ve realized i REALLY didn’t post about when i hung out with ilya back in like ’02 or ’03 (haha, what a blur those years are). boo me.

it’s insane how people come and go in your life, the different groups of people i’ve posted about, the people i’ve dated, etc. – whatever. memories<3

i woke up to a text from my babe rox who wanted to chill out at coney (holy fuck she makes me feel pale, lol… look at my legs! i need a tan!) – the siren music fest was going on, so we were gonna hit that up. i heard a lot about it all week but i didn’t know what type of music it was or anything so i checked out their website. this year i only knew two bands from the line-up. i checked out the other years and there are some GOOD bands on the past events. cursive played in 2007! aaaaaaaaaaaand i wasn’t there, boo that.

so i’m on my way to her… on the Q train, sitting in the two seaters at the end of the car, sippin’ on my huge iced coffee, texting away, minding my business… when this dude feels the need to come next to me and undo his belt/pants and tuck in his wife beater and redo his belt. ew. as if that wasn’t horrid enough to have to witness, he starts doing a train car workout.

could i even make this shit up? (pics after the jump)

this guys starts stretching in front of the doors with his ass in my face, and i just look over and his son wants to die of embarrassment and his wife is searching through her bag for something. doesn’t even notice. so finally he starts stretching on the next pole (visual below), away from me, thank god.

and then puts his feet up on the wall and started doing push-ups (pictured above)…
…after he did his push-ups, he was whining about needing purell.

guh.

so we got some drink tickets, chilled out, chatted, people watched, made fun of people were talking about AND watched, lol, and had some good love/sex and life talks. we also managed to get drunk by 5pm. which is when ilya found me. haha, worst. we made our way to beer island, which i think is setup for people falling backwards in chairs for everyone elses amusement… sand is a sloppy thing. especially hard to walk on when drunk. our friend deirdre came by who i haven’t seen in ages, but i only got to see her for a few minutes… we were all starving so we went left there to get lunch/dinner at don burrito’s (sorry jen!)

ilya, nick and michelle came back to my apartment to hang out… we walked the dog and chilled out on our smaller balcony… which isn’t actually all that small. we should fix it up and get some chairs out there, it was relaxing. i really want to utilize it.

so yeah, that was my night.

today i’ve gotta go to queens for a wake. my friend franks brother died last week… he just had a daughter 9 months ago, poor baby girl. i feel so bad for her in all of this. and for his family, obviously. he was an acquaintance of mine, we weren’t good friends or anything… just saw him out a bunch of times with his brother. frank is the kid i made my confirmation with in 2005. we used to work at cascarino’s together, he was one of my delivery boys.

on that note, gotta get ready to go. to get to queens is one hell of a journey on sundays. trains run like shit.

coney was way too packed so once ilya found me we headed over to brighton beach with his friends, i FINALLY got some sun… we got the BEST frozen smoothie things and just chilled out for a bit. laughed a lot, watched almost naked russians prowl the beach, good times… ilya had to take care of his dog so we left and then we wound up at his friends for a BBQ… no fireworks except for the ones we made… (giggity!) lol…

god bless america!

i haven’t really openly spoken about anyone i’ve dated on this website for various reasons… (dramarama!) but this one seems to be different… easier…

i don’t know where this is headed, this whole dating thing has been quite confusing over the last six months. the two idiots i dated/hooked up with earlier in the year fucked me up… one was (what i thought was) a good friend and the other one i can’t even begin to form a label for… :\

“trust is something that comes easy, when you’ve never been a victim” – face to face

haha, deep. but honestly, truth.

i’m constantly apprehensive about dating/trusting people. as if it weren’t bad enough that i have that problem where i’m a numb and unfeeling person to protect my own emotions – no thanks to andrew – now throw that into the equation!

…i feel like i’m doomed to never fall in love again. or doomed because i feel like i’m unsure of if i want to be in a relationship again… (i mean, i don’t know how i feel…) … i’m not worried about that right now – it’s only been like, a month? but he feels really good.

haha, giggity.

i mean just being with him feels really good…

we make each other laugh, think the same things, we just have a good time together… i am a hardcore believer in things lining up in life in strange ways, and i mean – finding him again six years later seems kinda strangely coincidental to me… i wasn’t even gonna move to brooklyn, and that’s kinda the only reason i found him again.

then again, i guess i thought the same way about the other two… strange things brought us together as well. i find it funny how pieces of my life always seem to form together. maybe i should stop thinking life is so fucking magical.

stupid, tiny NYC…

saturday:
hung out with jen and ilya all day until he left… we attempted to watch mallrats and fell asleep for about an hour – then when we finally woke up – i decided since my pay was deposited early this weekend, that i was gonna take jen out to dinner for mexican food… we ventured off into the wilderness of brooklyn and didn’t realize i did it without my wallet… about 35 minutes north of the hood we realized this, and came back. only to find that it didn’t even matter because my bank card wasn’t in my damn wallet anyhow. so i tried to figure something out but it was already almost 8PM and the bank was closed… so we just made mac and cheese and watched TV in the romantic setting of my christmas lights<3 lol

sunday:
thankfully my boss went into work on sunday, and turns out on one of my weekday afternoon coffee excursions i left my bank card in my work sweater… so i went to dumbo to pick it up – had another jason schwartzman spotting!!!!!! (sneaky little man has been hiding) – got a coffee and was on my way to queens. had to see my lovie dovie erica and go see mama dukes.

erica and i went to cinco de mayo for some food/sangria (shocker, i know) and watched classic ranger games on MSG. felt soooooo good to do that again. we were watching the ’94 stanley cup finals against the canucks. crazy how anxious one can still get watching a series from 15 years ago, lol.

mommy and i went to target and i bought some much needed BS and she finally came to see my apartment… she even said it was such an easy/fast ride, i don’t understand why my queens turd friends aren’t here more often, lol.

and that was my weekend, in case you were wondering.

eric is in town and i wanted to steal a drink with him while he was here…  wanna try to fit that in.  i’m going to queens today – mom/erica time – sunday shonen is having his big bbq where all of my friends will be – gonna try to go to that but i’m supposed to hang out with ilya tonight ,which means i’d have to be back in brooklyn, which i wanted to do anyways – i didn’t want to sleep at my mom’s house – mannnn commuting takes up so much time – i gotta manage my time better…

blah blah blah.

so new stuff this week? i found another friend in brooklyn! i met ilya on friendster years ago…  i only met him one time in real life but we talked online for a long time and then lost touch…  so i was browsing through people on myspace (yes, i’m a loser that does that from time to time) and was looking to see if there were actually people in this “midwood” neighborhood that were around my age and found him :)  weird! it’s been like 6 or 7 years since i last talked to him…  we hung out at his apartment with his friends last night, it was fun… watched some aqua team hunger force and just chilled out til frankie called locked out of the apartment…  (cuddle blocker!)

wednesday sophie and i met up with greenwood for a holiday cocktail lounge excursion…  played the bouncing souls song titled for the bar for the guy who runs the joint, he loved it.  says he’s gonna put the self titled album in the juke box, OH yeah. (my inspiration)

tuesday lyrics boy and i attempted to see green day at webster hall, we didn’t get in.  instead, we stood outside cold and hungry for a while.  boo that. either way, NEXT.

andddddddd that’s about it.