#self-control

the last few times i will confess (and these few times have reminded me of why i don’t/not to):

• when i started dating manny i looked at one of his ex’s pictures via twitter because she kept talkin’ shite and it had me curious, and it was honestly more fuel to just make fun of her… until i saw my twitter user icon on that twitter pic thing where you can see your viewers… since then, never again. never even went to her page again…
• i went on my old facebook to save pics from my cousins page from when we last went upstate and saw two pieces of shit i used to be friends with on my wall, and i couldn’t help but look and got super pissed within minutes… corny bitch and stupid fuck. that’s what i’ll call them, lol. #stillgladyouwerecutfromtheteam
• looked twice at this chicks twitter (OH. #identified) via the kid i’m talking to, that has re-tweeted recently… #whodatbe

it’s pointless and stupid to make myself feel immature, up to no good and downright shitty, so i just stay off of fb, out of unknown twitters, and going directly to peoples twitter pages…

#NOGOOD

one of my “him”‘s was there… (referring to one of two ASSHOLES i “dated/hooked up with” last year – a friend of his…)

i kinda felt bad after we disappeared for like, almost ten minutes, but oh well…. you decided not to date me, and you haven’t been a friend… (i didn’t do anything on purpose, i didn’t know he was even going to be there – but w/e – i went to make moves mannnnnn, so i made ‘em.)… he left me hanging back then, and obviously never gave a shit, so what am i supposed to do?

sophie and i got rather tipsy, had fun, came home.

here i sit with beef ramen<3 (BEST) and i’m about to fall asleep.

…good times.

my computer died, so i can’t share it with you’s.

although, would you really care? lol
this site is so me, me, me!

so instead, i’ll quickly just share this.

going into the year 2000: my boyfriend randolph was working at MTV, i was upstate in mountainview (apt complex my cousins/i grew up in) wondering about the bullshit Y2K scare.

going into the year 2009: jimmy was blowing up my phone, steve and i were newly broken up and i was at home, trying to stay sane.

hope tonight is a little different.
spending it with erica, hopefully not thinking too much about everything bad that has happened in the last month.

waste of time:

last night, i ran into him #2 from earlier this year. he came up to the bar where jen’s boyfriend was working – quite randomly. and i haven’t seen him since the last time i yelled at him for being a prick in may… i was completely caught off guard when he came in, jen and i were walking out to go to the store and he was at the door when i opened it… he pulled me aside to apologize and then he wound up telling me shit i would have loved to have heard three months ago. thanks but no thanks! – it felt so good (nicely) telling him (and truly meaning) that i was completely over it… so we’ve decided to try to end the hostility hanging in the air… he asked if we could be friends again… i said fine, not that it means jack shit – i never see him/talk to him, i’m miles away from there now.

le sigh.

we have a friend who was friends with us both. knows what happened from both sides… was not a good friend to either me or steve since it happened – was more concerned about the other party… we honestly don’t in the grand scheme of things mean SHIT in her life… because of not hearing from her, not seeing her, and (wahhhh!) about the next thing i’m gonna say.

not for nothing, if one of my queens friends were down here @ coney… a phone call for a quick hook-up or an apt. drive by wouldn’t seem so strange to me. instead, i got the defensive end of an immature, insecure person who is not a friend at all… in fact, a few times when i was in queens i gave her a call and she didn’t pick up… so there’s MY effort. where’s hers?

instead of simply saying “i’m sorry” or “there will be other times we’re all down there” i get a defensive attitude and a “well i didn’t know how you and him were – if you’re talking or not…”… …really? why don’t you pick up a fucking phone and ask, or email me, or i.m. me… (…and the fact that its one of the first thing to spill out of your mouth when we’re talking about that says exactly what it is.) the whole “there’s a whole summer for coney outings…” blah blah blah. “you’re making all these faces and it’s annoying me” really? is that how friends talk to each other? p.s. – last year, the entire crew only gathered there together THREE times. so no, it’s not going to NOT be taken personally.

when i don’t get random “how’s the apartment” or “how’s brooklyn treating you” or a simple “how are you”, i don’t consider you a friend anymore. and the fact that i have that thrown in my face like i’m a psycho when i bring it up to you, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

if you’re friends with me… i won’t lie to you. off the bat… i’ll treat you like gold. and that’s one of my weakness’s. and honestly, because i know how wonderfully easy it is to be nice to people – i often expect the same… only to be let down.

lesson learned.

i haven’t really openly spoken about anyone i’ve dated on this website for various reasons… (dramarama!) but this one seems to be different… easier…

i don’t know where this is headed, this whole dating thing has been quite confusing over the last six months. the two idiots i dated/hooked up with earlier in the year fucked me up… one was (what i thought was) a good friend and the other one i can’t even begin to form a label for… :\

“trust is something that comes easy, when you’ve never been a victim” – face to face

haha, deep. but honestly, truth.

i’m constantly apprehensive about dating/trusting people. as if it weren’t bad enough that i have that problem where i’m a numb and unfeeling person to protect my own emotions – no thanks to andrew – now throw that into the equation!

…i feel like i’m doomed to never fall in love again. or doomed because i feel like i’m unsure of if i want to be in a relationship again… (i mean, i don’t know how i feel…) … i’m not worried about that right now – it’s only been like, a month? but he feels really good.

haha, giggity.

i mean just being with him feels really good…

we make each other laugh, think the same things, we just have a good time together… i am a hardcore believer in things lining up in life in strange ways, and i mean – finding him again six years later seems kinda strangely coincidental to me… i wasn’t even gonna move to brooklyn, and that’s kinda the only reason i found him again.

then again, i guess i thought the same way about the other two… strange things brought us together as well. i find it funny how pieces of my life always seem to form together. maybe i should stop thinking life is so fucking magical.

stupid, tiny NYC…

aside from getting into a screaming match with steve, and then bitching him out…  i ran into a lot of my friends, got HIGHLY inebriated, and also made an ass of myself.  for the most part, had a good time.

my friend john came out.  which was cool and strange. (we sorta used to hang out/date? in 2005)  …i had not seen him in ages…  he’s best friends with two kids that used to work at casci’s with me (one was with him, one of his friends i know was there too), that’s how we met…  and we had a good time.  turns out he’s got an anchor tattoo on his arm that reads “worship” & “tribute” in the scrolls.  HOW COOL/WEIRD? lol.  (okay, if you don’t know i have an anchor tattoo on my left arm and “worship/tribute” on my chest).  he says he told me about it but i honestly couldn’t remember and was amazed.  laura kept saying we were fated to be together… lol.  and yes, obv. he’s a huge glassjaw fan as well.

i saw one of andrews old friends and one of jeffs old friends – together.  weird, i hadn’t seen them in years either.  i can’t say that i remember most of our conversation other than mike telling me he was breeding his pitbull and joe loved that i could still spell his intricate italian last name in my phone, lol…  they were with my ex jeff’s ex marilyn who i take the bus/train with into work.  oh our little queens towns…

and the usual suspects were there…
and erica was out for a bit…

erica and i had gone out for dinner/sangria at like 6 and that’s when the madness started.  i didn’t get home until almost 4:45 AM.  you can only imagine the state that i was in.  i don’t remember a lot of the end of the night…  laura left to see her ex at some point that was working down the block at the tanning salon, my friends are lushes that stayed there, steve left after we fought, asshole left and i wound up making fun of him and what his ex was wearing (not knowing it was his ex – lace stockings and jean shorts? she’s not even fierce enough for that – pfft.) and stumbled home.

…but now just as things change, as well my feelings do
in time things re-arrange…  i am so sick of chasing you!

but what do i get? cause i just seem to lose…
you make me regret those times i spent with you…

…and playing those games as i wait for your call…
and now i give up, so goodbye and so long!

i really need to move out, my friends apart from my everyday/weekly friends honestly suck…  i thought breaking up with steve would clear my mind/make me feel better and it hasn’t…  not how i thought it would, at the rate of speed i thought it would anyway…  i don’t regret it, and it was really hard to do… shit i shouldn’t even be talking about this on my website… so i’m going to stop, but what i was getting at is that…  everything is so scattered and all over the place and tentative, i want to have 7,283 things to do to keep busy and i don’t, i keep over analyzing things, i’ve become irrational (lol), and most of all… damn lonely.

i don’t do casual hook up’s and it’s really tough that who i have hooked up with since him are too into their own lives to give a flying shit about me…  (no,  you really don’t – if you really think about it.)

and it’s not like i’m not searching for my next serious relationship…  but i must admit that it really does suck to sleep alone and not have a special someone to just call and hang out with whenever…  even casually…

i try not to let it bother me, but it does.

my next thing is “when i move out, things will be better”.

but then i’ll just be sitting there alone staring at four walls, lol.

at least then i’ll have the option to bring people over…  so maybe not.
this is why i have hope and keep the “when i move out, things will be better” shtick.

yuck @ the falling snow…  i hate damn snow, and it makes me miserable.

hopefully spring will bring new things, along with the green on the trees that i long for.

can’t elaborate on them, never will.

i wonder if you can tell the difference.