i honestly don’t go getting myself all caught up in online lurking caca… when i do… i assume things when i don’t know things, my imagination goes wild, i find things i don’t want to, i imagine scenarios, ahhhhhh! why drive myself crazy?

#self-control

the last few times i will confess (and these few times have reminded me of why i don’t/not to):

• when i started dating manny i looked at one of his ex’s pictures via twitter because she kept talkin’ shite and it had me curious, and it was honestly more fuel to just make fun of her… until i saw my twitter user icon on that twitter pic thing where you can see your viewers… since then, never again. never even went to her page again…
• i went on my old facebook to save pics from my cousins page from when we last went upstate and saw two pieces of shit i used to be friends with on my wall, and i couldn’t help but look and got super pissed within minutes… corny bitch and stupid fuck. that’s what i’ll call them, lol. #stillgladyouwerecutfromtheteam
• looked twice at this chicks twitter (OH. #identified) via the kid i’m talking to, that has re-tweeted recently… #whodatbe

it’s pointless and stupid to make myself feel immature, up to no good and downright shitty, so i just stay off of fb, out of unknown twitters, and going directly to peoples twitter pages…

#NOGOOD

soph and i went to bk tonight to visit one of my friends workin one of the local w/burg bars…
…had a hot & heavy make-out sesh with a boy that has had a (mutual) crush on me for two years. RAWR!

one of my “him”‘s was there… (referring to one of two ASSHOLES i “dated/hooked up with” last year – a friend of his…)

i kinda felt bad after we disappeared for like, almost ten minutes, but oh well…. you decided not to date me, and you haven’t been a friend… (i didn’t do anything on purpose, i didn’t know he was even going to be there – but w/e – i went to make moves mannnnnn, so i made ‘em.)… he left me hanging back then, and obviously never gave a shit, so what am i supposed to do?

sophie and i got rather tipsy, had fun, came home.

here i sit with beef ramen<3 (BEST) and i’m about to fall asleep.

…good times.

i started making a list of things that happened this decade that were super crazy important/life changing.

my computer died, so i can’t share it with you’s.

although, would you really care? lol
this site is so me, me, me!

so instead, i’ll quickly just share this.

going into the year 2000: my boyfriend randolph was working at MTV, i was upstate in mountainview (apt complex my cousins/i grew up in) wondering about the bullshit Y2K scare.

going into the year 2009: jimmy was blowing up my phone, steve and i were newly broken up and i was at home, trying to stay sane.

hope tonight is a little different.
spending it with erica, hopefully not thinking too much about everything bad that has happened in the last month.

i can’t believe i’ve only been in this apartment for four months… i feel like it’s been longer. i’m super excited that it’s september, and i’m super excited about things that have transpired recently. i actually don’t feel like complaining a whole lot about anything, everything is feeling good… but something actually came up this weekend, so why not share? lol

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it feels so good to clear my conscience finally – i did one of the hardest things i had to ever do tonight. i was openly honest with steve about someone other than him. and not about ilya, someone else…
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well alrighty! so i’m sure i’m going to get yelled at for putting up this picture, because it’s so not flattering, but it’s adorable. i’m glad it was captured… that was a fun ilya, jess and jen moment in time…

i haven’t really openly spoken about anyone i’ve dated on this website for various reasons… (dramarama!) but this one seems to be different… easier…

i don’t know where this is headed, this whole dating thing has been quite confusing over the last six months. the two idiots i dated/hooked up with earlier in the year fucked me up… one was (what i thought was) a good friend and the other one i can’t even begin to form a label for… :\

“trust is something that comes easy, when you’ve never been a victim” – face to face

haha, deep. but honestly, truth.

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i know, it’s been boring around here…  i live a boring life people…
i promise to spark it up soon – i have a lot going on in may
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
okay so saturday, now that i’m not heated over the FUCKING asshole anymore…

aside from getting into a screaming match with steve, and then bitching him out…  i ran into a lot of my friends, got HIGHLY inebriated, and also made an ass of myself.  for the most part, had a good time.

my friend john came out.  which was cool and strange. (we sorta used to hang out/date? in 2005)  …i had not seen him in ages…  he’s best friends with two kids that used to work at casci’s with me (one was with him, one of his friends i know was there too), that’s how we met…  and we had a good time.  turns out he’s got an anchor tattoo on his arm that reads “worship” & “tribute” in the scrolls.  HOW COOL/WEIRD? lol.  (okay, if you don’t know i have an anchor tattoo on my left arm and “worship/tribute” on my chest).  he says he told me about it but i honestly couldn’t remember and was amazed.  laura kept saying we were fated to be together… lol.  and yes, obv. he’s a huge glassjaw fan as well.

i saw one of andrews old friends and one of jeffs old friends – together.  weird, i hadn’t seen them in years either.  i can’t say that i remember most of our conversation other than mike telling me he was breeding his pitbull and joe loved that i could still spell his intricate italian last name in my phone, lol…  they were with my ex jeff’s ex marilyn who i take the bus/train with into work.  oh our little queens towns…

and the usual suspects were there…
and erica was out for a bit…

erica and i had gone out for dinner/sangria at like 6 and that’s when the madness started.  i didn’t get home until almost 4:45 AM.  you can only imagine the state that i was in.  i don’t remember a lot of the end of the night…  laura left to see her ex at some point that was working down the block at the tanning salon, my friends are lushes that stayed there, steve left after we fought, asshole left and i wound up making fun of him and what his ex was wearing (not knowing it was his ex – lace stockings and jean shorts? she’s not even fierce enough for that – pfft.) and stumbled home.

i think of a while ago… we might have had it all
i was so stupid then – you needed time to grow

…but now just as things change, as well my feelings do
in time things re-arrange…  i am so sick of chasing you!

but what do i get? cause i just seem to lose…
you make me regret those times i spent with you…

…and playing those games as i wait for your call…
and now i give up, so goodbye and so long!

hot damn, i complain a lot. and i apologize to anyone who reads this blog… i’m just at this weird place in my life and i feel like my life is the movie “groundhog day”.

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i realized that i have two him’s starring on my blog…  sorry if i confuse you with them.

can’t elaborate on them, never will.

i wonder if you can tell the difference.

i went to a birthday party yesterday for erica’s cousin… it was fun, her family is great – i like them a lot.  they remind me of my family a bit – when we actually used to get together – not much of that anymore as we get older :(  i miss our big family get togethers so much.

we all just joked around all day, bullshitted about life, tattoos, family, looked at pictures, put down some cervezas, and i was eating all day and wasn’t getting full. shit, i hope i don’t have a tapeworm! AHHHHHHH!!!! lol.

then we went home late and watched the nip/tuck episode we both missed on tuesday.  and an episode of family guy…  and then i went out to the bar.  met up with HIM and his friend, got drunk, slept over again like nothing ever happened.  woke up, had some french toast and was extremely disappointed over the ranger game, and now i’ve landed here again.  at this little purple desk.

at least things are normal between us and i don’t feel like i like him anymore.  i just honestly enjoy being in his arms, having someone to make out with, cuddling…  but i love just being his friend.

why can’t i just take things about various boys that i like/date and mold a super boy? UGH.

i really want to get motivated to do something with myself until later…  me, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend are  going to see friday the 13th…  and tomorrow i have my annual physical – YAY!  i haven’t been to my general doctor in like four years because i haven’t had medical insurance until now…

i want some dunkin donuts, but my shower is calling my name.
dunkin donuts first, don’t wanna go out with a wet head…

you’ve created a monster, i want more.

my everyday, and things today…

my everyday:

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i love monday nights that consist of me, gingerale, my bed, my ipod+wifi and a ranger game.

so relaxing.

i broke the spell, lol.

woo!

no matter how much i try to play it off like i don’t care, deep down i really fucking miss it/him.

i can’t lie to myself, OR MY BLOG. lol.

you would think at age 27, i would know how to date people correctly.
(or at least read them correctly.)

i am like, THE FURTHEST thing from psycho when it comes time to dating people.  i am not controlling, jealous, snoopy, etc. – i honestly feel that people should just be 100% honest and true at all times and have consideration for each other.  and i think communication is key.  sorry i’m so MATURE…?

i don’t see why people should lie about their feelings or hold back.  (now, i’m not saying within weeks of meeting someone – but when you start dating or hooking up with a friend of 2 years, it’s a little different) and apparently – my mind soaks up things the same way as i give them.

if someone seems like they’re not holding back or lying about their feelings, why shouldn’t i believe it?  it wasn’t even about sex, especially with him saying the things that he did.  specific stuff over the span of our friendship, telling me he thinks about me all the time, calling me 30 times in a row some nights like a crazy person – i’m sitting here with this ill headache just wanting to be friends with him…  that’s it.

i feel like a guy, because all i wanted was sex to begin with… and nothing.

so i wrote him an email.  now i’m going to act like a stupid GIRL and wait around until  hear back from him…  and that really sucks.

i hope my next endeavor isn’t so stressful.

shit ended early tonight. weird.

we didn’t cross paths.
but it’ll happen again someday soon.
i know i’m crawling around in your head.
but whatever.

i can’t wait for this weekends heat wave.

gotta get to sleep. lots to do tomorrow.

i had a strange feeling this could blow up in my face, and it very well may have this weekend.

i feel like such an asshole, and i’ve NEVER done anything like this before.

but i can’t walk away, and i can’t shake the taste.<3

i’m about to go into crazy anti-social mode.
i need good, consistent people in my life and they’re REALLY hard to find as i get older.
it’s giving me anxiety.

so i ended up dying my hair…  i feel like i haven’t had my hair this dark in ages but HELLO jess it was only last dec/jan i had jet black hair – duh.

here’s what it is.
“warm chocolate brown” and “penny copper” (which totally needs another application because it currently looks orange-ish – not so much in real life though…)

i guess i like it… usually takes a few days for me to be like FUCK YEAH!
whatever. hair schmare.

tomorrow == AHHHHHHHEADAUTOMATICAAAAAHHHH!
happiness – i’ve been waiting like two years to see them again… mmm sexy italian boy prancing around the stage :rawr:

moving along…   so apparently NY1 is doing a little “piece” tomorrow on one of my co-workers for a non-profit she works on…  IN OUR OFFICE!  so maybe you’ll see me on NY1 in the background soon…  maybe not.  i wasn’t planning on dressing appropriately tomorrow like she had asked us to, lol.

well had she provided pat kiernan, i totally would have.
:le sigh again: DREAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!