things are changing.
my comfortable, habitual little world is shifting again…

two things that are going to soon affect me.  they’re both negative/positive and up in the air…  it’s all so 50/50 right now.  i’m trying to keep a positive outlook because they’re happening as spring approaches…  sort of scary, sort of refreshing.  i know that my usual winter laziness and depression will melt away with all of the stupid, dirty nyc snow.  either way, i can’t talk about either thing on here yet for two separate reasons.  i hate that i can’t just let things spill out, but one of the things i was told not to publicly speak about…  and the other i just can’t yet.

i’m seriously keeping this positive mental attitude so that i don’t spiral downward just in case it all doesn’t rule in my favor…  it’s times like these where it just hits me that that i’m always so carefree and worried about having fun, being free and staying young…  that’s all good stuff, i know… BUT! (…and this is very hard for me to accept…) i also can’t help also thinking sometimes about how i’m wasting time not wanting to grow up, start my company, get married and make babies in the room above. (no seriously, i WILL have that as my sleeping quarters.)

i think it’s just the whole turning thirty this year shit.  it’s making me think about “seriously, start getting your shit together already, jess…” because time flies (way too quickly).

i’m not doing the usual “omg, i’m gonna be old” shit… obviously i know i’m not going to magically change this september 19th, lol…  but i honestly think thirty is time to spring into preparing for “adult life” a little more than i did in my twenties is all…

on a non-dramatic note: i really just want next month to be here already so i can be HAPPY, cozy and loveddddddd and free-flowing with whatever is happening in my cornball life…  i hate feeling stifled and censored.

but then i thought to myself, oh yeah. so what if i did just rearrange my toy shelf… i did it my very own apartment (roommate free) that i’ve had for exactly a year.

go go gadget responsible adult life!

these will always remind me of my mother<3
i was raised on these full albums. on repeat.
(hover over the thumbnail for the title if you’d like to know what an album is.)

big things, big things.

i think it’s more mature, and at least then i can tell people it’s to match my freelance company S2UDIO…

…this is going to be a slow/hard transition.

i mean, i am approaching thirty, lol.

i feel like i’m going to give her the worst anxiety because she’ll be out so much money every month…  but i’ve been telling her for MONTHS i wanted to be out by april/may…  so she should have been saving to go too… i told her i’d help her out and give her money for an extra month, which is going to bleed me dry unless i find some freelance work.  (any takers?)  gotta invest in cases of beef ramen noodle, redbull, and heineken light – lol.  (now accepting donations!)

although it’ll only be like that through may, so whatever.

aside from the fights we’ve gotten into this year, i love my mom.  and although i lived on my own before for a little while when i was 21, i went back home when it didn’t work out.  (thanks for that)  but i think this is it.  no i KNOW this is it.  -  it aint gonna happen again…  and yeah, it took 27 years to get to this point, which is too long for most…  but it has always just been my mother and my sister and i.  this is really hard for me.   i can’t imagine not seeing her everyday…  being able to give her a hug and a kiss whenver i want…  we’ve been sidekicks for 27 years<3

i hate this growing up shit, and it’s scary and hard.  i must sound like such a loser…  but i’ve honestly done so much in the past year that’s thrown me into adulthood, which i never wanted to face.  i mean, who does?  duh.  but i just never felt like 27 was that old.  i still look and feel how i did at 21/22.

BUT i kinda like it.
(and i’m kinda scared – transplanting myself and all…)

moving along….

i’m MOVING TO BROOKLYN!!!!!!
don’t worry queens, you’ll always be my heart, and i’ll be back…
but i need a break from all queens BULLSHIT.

i’ll be an official resident as of may 1st.
in a groovy apartment with a groovy little shit named eiknarf<333

i love how i hang out with so many different people, and different scenes and types of people.  but i always love hanging out with people i go to shows with, and just bug out and drink all night with.  these are the twenty something years i’m going to remember as right before i grew up…

speaking of growing up…
with all the “resolution” BS buzz going on, it’s been inspiring me in subtle ways…  and it makes me think of 5 years from now type shit…  and i’m scared thinking about it.

i keep hearing “oh shut up” when i keep saying i’m gonna be 30 soon because i just turned 27…  but honestly, it’s just around the corner.  and not that i’m not gonna be having fun or in my 30′s or anything, of course i am, but not the way that i am now…  but that decade – i feel will make or break my whole path in life.  i feel like every other tradition i haven’t followed in life will carry out and i won’t get married or have kids or something…  (no i didn’t have a sweet sixteen, no i didn’t go to prom, or even go to my own high school graduation, etc).  i should take it one year at a time, lol.  (psycho!)  but i know myself and just have a gut feeling, and i don’t wanna end up like that.

last year i went through a bunch of things.  good stuff, bad stuff…  some mature, some immature.  but i learn from my mistakes and can’t wait to just move on and get into the clear.

i’ve really gotta start a savings account this year.  and i think a good hunk of freelance dough is going in there.  and i’m throwing in at least $40-$80 every time i get paid also.  it’ll all add up quickly!  just gotta get the ball rolling.

ugh, i still have to file a claim against a band i will not mention for not paying me for a website…  that’s gotta be done this next week or the one after.  can’t let that slip. even if its chump change.

whatever. coffee and cake tonight.
later aligators.