anyways, i’ve decided the first halloween, since the kid would be a stride-less blob, he or she could be a hockey puck…  and then for the next one, a goalie.

oh yes.  this will happen.

i think my sister isn’t either.

i haven’t been myself for three months.   i can’t blame many things, other than selfish feelings…  immediately after my neighbor rose fell and i was taking care of her, my brother asked me if he could stay with me for a couple of/a few weeks.  i didn’t realize what i was taking on – not that it was the biggest deal in the world…  but taking care of rose was a bit tiring, i was waking up an hour early every day and coming home and helping her at night…  i honestly do care for her and i was helping her from the heart – and i feel horrible saying that it was draining, but after working a full day and commuting, it was a bit rough. especially with my brother joining the routine…

i feel horrible and selfish that i let two months of not having my apartment to myself – and pet peeves – ruin my relationship with my brother, but i also didn’t take into consideration that it could bother me in such tight quarters and i just needed a mental break…  after not having time to myself for a month, having him there all the time was also really draining…

i took my brother in to help him “get on his feet” and after almost 2 1/2 months of not doing jack shit, it ended in verbal blow to blow bullshit…  but it went from “i need 2-4 weeks” to turning into like, 10 or 11 without ANYTHING being accomplished. nothing at all, which was hard for me to be “okay” with.

i feel like sometimes i shouldn’t really post about private life stuff, especially where family is concerned… but i need to get it out sometimes for perspective, also.

my brother had a really rough life and i feel like i “gave up on him” also…  now even though my apartment is brother-less, i have new guilt.

i keep trying to think about how he’s also a 26 yr old  man – with a child – and he needs to get the fire under his ass, and to not make excuses or feel guilty…  nothing i was saying was inspiring him to do anything though, and i have the patience of a saint. believe me, it took a lot for it to get to the point that it did on saturday…  but i can’t let someone freeload and not move forward as intended.

now he’s gone and told me he isn’t speaking to me anymore…  combined with that and the rest of my immediate family hating on me, it’s getting rough… worst part is, i was only trying to be a good person while grabbing hold of my sanity while helping others, and it all blew up in my face.

i feel like all i’m owed by anyone i help out would be nothing but personal respect, love and thanks – same as i’d dish out to others – but i guess that’s asking too much in return? (i know, wahhhhh!!!!) #confused

anyways, it’s been almost a week that he’s been here and i thought it was going to be hard to have him here because of how tight-quarters my apartment is… i’ve become so accustomed to living on my own, but after two days it was alright… it doesn’t seem as intrusive as i thought it would be, it’s been cool so far.

we didn’t grow up together and this is the first time we’ve lived together, even if it’s only temporary (my brother and i have different mothers).  he likes looking at all of my pictures in my rotating/random photo  screen saver (all fam/friend pics), we take walks, we talk and laugh a lot…  it’s too bad it’s freezing out, or else we could go gallivanting around the city doing more things… stupid snow…

i have him watching the rangers – and he’s actually enjoying it.  it’s so awesome.
he got to see two shoot out games in a week.  (they’re rare, i feel.)

we have good talks about my father…

first night he was with me, i was watching judge judy with a heine light relaxing and he told me that my fathers beer of choice was heineken and that my father LOVED judge judy. #GOFIG – how funny is that?!

anyways, that’s why i haven’t really been posting – in addition to taking care of my neighbor…  i’ve been spending a lot of time with him.  he’s being called down to florida for something this weekend, so he’ll be leaving…  but i’m glad we even got to have this time together, i think we needed it.

“i talked to my daddy on the phone today! it was really weird. i didn’t want to talk to him – i just wanted to meet him but my grandma gave him the phone tonight because he came a day early lol. (from boston) my brother who was said so seem like a “cold fish” about it had his stuff packed last night so i guess that’s why they came down so early. it’s so cute :”] i’m so happy that they’re excited!

my poor dad is so nervous that he had like nothing to say on the phone. but that’s why i didn’t want to talk to him first i just wanted to see him but whatever. he’s got the DEEPEST voice lol.

okay i have to go shopping for something to wear now. i ran lotsa errands today :”] i got my eyebrows done and i got my dad and grandma cards too. i got a nice card for my dad with a poem that maya angelou wrote. it goes a lil somethin’ like this:

“We can not change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot the guilt and plant forgivness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate – therby, making the present comfortable and the future promising”.

haha i didn’t know WHERE to start when i got into hallmark… so i asked the lady at the counter and she picked out, well, a perfect one!! i love the poem – it’s exactly what i was looking for.”

until i eventually get all of the stuff off of my old hard drive, this is the only picture i have of us together

this is the day that we met, actually.

all i wanted was to see my brother today and he’s in boston…  this sucks.

this is what i did

now i get to see him whenever i want

at one point, my sister had a cow suit on and you could pick up faintly in the background she kept saying “milk me, MILK ME”.

o.O

just popped into my head and it made me LOL at work.

these will always remind me of my mother<3
i was raised on these full albums. on repeat.
(hover over the thumbnail for the title if you’d like to know what an album is.)