i’m going to try my hardest, if i ever have children, to make them hockey kids.  if not players, simply huge hockey fans.  so i’m keeping my heart open for a ranger fan dude so that i can have a little ranger fan family #cutenessoverload

anyways, i’ve decided the first halloween, since the kid would be a stride-less blob, he or she could be a hockey puck…  and then for the next one, a goalie.

oh yes.  this will happen.

oh yeah, forgot to mention the fact that my mother isn’t speaking to me.

i think my sister isn’t either.

can i not  have a dramatic or stressful life for once?

i haven’t been myself for three months.   i can’t blame many things, other than selfish feelings…  immediately after my neighbor rose fell and i was taking care of her, my brother asked me if he could stay with me for a couple of/a few weeks.  i didn’t realize what i was taking on – not that it was the biggest deal in the world…  but taking care of rose was a bit tiring, i was waking up an hour early every day and coming home and helping her at night…  i honestly do care for her and i was helping her from the heart – and i feel horrible saying that it was draining, but after working a full day and commuting, it was a bit rough. especially with my brother joining the routine…

i feel horrible and selfish that i let two months of not having my apartment to myself – and pet peeves – ruin my relationship with my brother, but i also didn’t take into consideration that it could bother me in such tight quarters and i just needed a mental break…  after not having time to myself for a month, having him there all the time was also really draining…

i took my brother in to help him “get on his feet” and after almost 2 1/2 months of not doing jack shit, it ended in verbal blow to blow bullshit…  but it went from “i need 2-4 weeks” to turning into like, 10 or 11 without ANYTHING being accomplished. nothing at all, which was hard for me to be “okay” with.

i feel like sometimes i shouldn’t really post about private life stuff, especially where family is concerned… but i need to get it out sometimes for perspective, also.

my brother had a really rough life and i feel like i “gave up on him” also…  now even though my apartment is brother-less, i have new guilt.

i keep trying to think about how he’s also a 26 yr old  man – with a child – and he needs to get the fire under his ass, and to not make excuses or feel guilty…  nothing i was saying was inspiring him to do anything though, and i have the patience of a saint. believe me, it took a lot for it to get to the point that it did on saturday…  but i can’t let someone freeload and not move forward as intended.

now he’s gone and told me he isn’t speaking to me anymore…  combined with that and the rest of my immediate family hating on me, it’s getting rough… worst part is, i was only trying to be a good person while grabbing hold of my sanity while helping others, and it all blew up in my face.

i feel like all i’m owed by anyone i help out would be nothing but personal respect, love and thanks – same as i’d dish out to others – but i guess that’s asking too much in return? (i know, wahhhhh!!!!) #confused

i need to stop referring to chris as my “little brother”, he’s bigger than me… lol. so i’ll call him “little big bro”…

anyways, it’s been almost a week that he’s been here and i thought it was going to be hard to have him here because of how tight-quarters my apartment is… i’ve become so accustomed to living on my own, but after two days it was alright… it doesn’t seem as intrusive as i thought it would be, it’s been cool so far.

we didn’t grow up together and this is the first time we’ve lived together, even if it’s only temporary (my brother and i have different mothers).  he likes looking at all of my pictures in my rotating/random photo  screen saver (all fam/friend pics), we take walks, we talk and laugh a lot…  it’s too bad it’s freezing out, or else we could go gallivanting around the city doing more things… stupid snow…

i have him watching the rangers – and he’s actually enjoying it.  it’s so awesome.
he got to see two shoot out games in a week.  (they’re rare, i feel.)

we have good talks about my father…

first night he was with me, i was watching judge judy with a heine light relaxing and he told me that my fathers beer of choice was heineken and that my father LOVED judge judy. #GOFIG – how funny is that?!

anyways, that’s why i haven’t really been posting – in addition to taking care of my neighbor…  i’ve been spending a lot of time with him.  he’s being called down to florida for something this weekend, so he’ll be leaving…  but i’m glad we even got to have this time together, i think we needed it.

i just resurrected this blog post from the day before i met my father:
(april 5, 2002)

“i talked to my daddy on the phone today! it was really weird. i didn’t want to talk to him – i just wanted to meet him but my grandma gave him the phone tonight because he came a day early lol. (from boston) my brother who was said so seem like a “cold fish” about it had his stuff packed last night so i guess that’s why they came down so early. it’s so cute :”] i’m so happy that they’re excited!

my poor dad is so nervous that he had like nothing to say on the phone. but that’s why i didn’t want to talk to him first i just wanted to see him but whatever. he’s got the DEEPEST voice lol.

okay i have to go shopping for something to wear now. i ran lotsa errands today :”] i got my eyebrows done and i got my dad and grandma cards too. i got a nice card for my dad with a poem that maya angelou wrote. it goes a lil somethin’ like this:

“We can not change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot the guilt and plant forgivness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate – therby, making the present comfortable and the future promising”.

haha i didn’t know WHERE to start when i got into hallmark… so i asked the lady at the counter and she picked out, well, a perfect one!! i love the poem – it’s exactly what i was looking for.”

today is my fathers birthday… he would have been 49.

until i eventually get all of the stuff off of my old hard drive, this is the only picture i have of us together

this is the day that we met, actually.

all i wanted was to see my brother today and he’s in boston…  this sucks.

this is what i did

my brother moved back to queens last week and i got to see himmmmmmmmmmmmm<3!!!

now i get to see him whenever i want

this weekend, my cousins and i were watching home videos from when we were kids. we’d stay up all night and bug out making the dumbest, most random videos. at one point, my cousin marie and i were having a “dance off” while my younger cousin katy and my sister (who were always joined at the hip) lip synched and dacned in the background…

at one point, my sister had a cow suit on and you could pick up faintly in the background she kept saying “milk me, MILK ME”.

o.O

just popped into my head and it made me LOL at work.

these will always remind me of my mother<3
i was raised on these full albums. on repeat.
(hover over the thumbnail for the title if you’d like to know what an album is.)

i’m going upstate this weekend, completely forgot!

woo!

i REALLY really need to go upstate soon.

my friend pat said he could search for people at work, so i asked him if he could find my brother recently… and so he found him for me yesterday. it’s been a long time since i had spoken to my fathers side of the family… i haven’t spoken to any of them since 2002 or 2003 i believe. long story short:

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okay so i’ve had this t-shirt desire in my brain since last winter when i saw a certain sexy front man wearing this shirt on stage in BK one night. (loveddd it – want it – gotta represent, chaaa know?)

butttttttt i am four things. well, five if you count american… but that’s not flavourful at all…

so i’ve been on a mission googling to try to find a shirt with all four of my nationalities on it. i found ONE shirt that came so close – all that was missing was italy… i did in fact find two shirts with both of my parents backgrounds on them though, may have to settle for them and switch ‘em up…

…so here’s what i found!

• the first shirt is missing italy & it has ugly fonts!
• the second shirt – cute! want!
• okay! …my mom is german and irish… that works… but again with the ugly font…
• the fourth – LOVE the colour combo, vintage look and the font/the warp of the text.
• the fifth – exactly what i was looking for. anddd i found all of my flags but poland on cafepress in the same style… just the flag with a thin outline like i wanted…

friday night == commute from hell!

a) rain sucks
b) humidity sucks
c) mta doesn’t function correctly when it’s raining

so i get outta work on friday, trying to get home as fast as i possibly can so that i can make a weekend bag and feed the cat… i’m out of work at six and don’t get home til seven… the F got stuck and then my bus never came… so i’m walking around sweating in the rain, and my hair turns into the biggest frizz ball i’ve seen yet this icky summer… and it’s up mad sloppy. so i change fast and go go go. i get the Q, that too is running like shite… i am forced watching this weird white dude eat a lemon pie and then wash it down with lemonade, GUHHH! (picture) i get out at 34th street and practically run to penn station… when i get to the time table, it says the port washington line is running on track 20. i have three minutes to catch the train.

i buy the ticket and run downstairs. train is empty. wtf? i sit down anyways and then some old lady starts complaining about a hamptons crowd… what is she talking about? i then notice my track has changed. i didn’t realize this and by the time i get to my track, my train is gone.

erica is so pissed at this point because we were supposed to be on the road by then, but her cousin she was driving up was late too… he at that point was later than me, so woo! i just told her it was out of my hands and i’d get there as soon as possible… got some mcdonalds… finally was on my way to bayside.

got there, got in the car, drove on up – sippin’ on a redbull. erica’s cousin michael started futzing around with my iphone for music, i get made fun of for most of the selection on my iphone anddd he says he doesn’t know 1/4 of it… still, he finds some things to listen to (mostly mainstream 80′s) and i put my head back in the back seat and stare up at the stars. i haven’t seen so many stars in ages. so pretty.

we get to the house and erica is embarrassed about her old bedroom. apparently it hasn’t changed since she was living there in high school.

first thing i find?…
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this weekend had its ups and downs. friday was fun, went for drinks afterwork with willie dictionary, then went to dinner with christine and erica…  christine is 4 1/2 months pregnant, CUTIE! and for some reason i haven’t seen her since february, so it was good to catch up with her…  we went to cinco de mayo (shocker) and then just went back to erica’s apartment to chill out – we were just shooting the shit and i was making her and erica laugh so hard they were crying… fun times

saturday morning, my sister and mother got into a huge fight – apparently “because of me” needing a ride to go pick up my jacket from the post office…  (below, sexy. fuck yes. and yeah it’s part/fleece. and it’s not heavy and gross for this time of year at all.)

long story short – sarah had a dr’s appt and was heading out like 20/30 mins from when i woke up so i figured i had time if my mom drove me up to get it, but my sister wasn’t having it…  so i went downstairs and asked my mom if she’d take me fast and she told me to ask my sister…  so i did…

sarah got pissed off that we were asking her for the car because my mom knew “she needed the car all week”, and then my mom got pissed because she was answering me snotty. so she tried to defend me…  don’t know why, but it all escalated between the two of them because they both have bad tempers. they were screaming at each other, and my sister was dropping F-bombs left and right… so my mom told my sister to pack her shit and move out, that she couldn’t take her attitude anymore, and my sister ended up cursing AT her… i just tried to calm the both of them down and make them stop…  i told my mother to stop answering her, and she did…  and then i went upstairs to try to calm sarah down with reasoning and talking and she stopped finally…

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i went to a birthday party yesterday for erica’s cousin… it was fun, her family is great – i like them a lot.  they remind me of my family a bit – when we actually used to get together – not much of that anymore as we get older :(  i miss our big family get togethers so much.

we all just joked around all day, bullshitted about life, tattoos, family, looked at pictures, put down some cervezas, and i was eating all day and wasn’t getting full. shit, i hope i don’t have a tapeworm! AHHHHHHH!!!! lol.

then we went home late and watched the nip/tuck episode we both missed on tuesday.  and an episode of family guy…  and then i went out to the bar.  met up with HIM and his friend, got drunk, slept over again like nothing ever happened.  woke up, had some french toast and was extremely disappointed over the ranger game, and now i’ve landed here again.  at this little purple desk.

at least things are normal between us and i don’t feel like i like him anymore.  i just honestly enjoy being in his arms, having someone to make out with, cuddling…  but i love just being his friend.

why can’t i just take things about various boys that i like/date and mold a super boy? UGH.

i really want to get motivated to do something with myself until later…  me, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend are  going to see friday the 13th…  and tomorrow i have my annual physical – YAY!  i haven’t been to my general doctor in like four years because i haven’t had medical insurance until now…

i want some dunkin donuts, but my shower is calling my name.
dunkin donuts first, don’t wanna go out with a wet head…