well, i just read more recent conversations, and i’m really not that irrational.  it took me right back to how i felt at the moment – just a few months ago.  (the last chat was recorded in january. seriously…) re-reading a couple of convo’s made me realize that for whatever reason he was, or seemed to be flirting with me and that i’m not all that wacko-jacko.  then it just ceased. i mean, i know why and all…  but why be all flirty and then not make an actual move? i think that made me keep the little matchstick-sized torch of a flame i had lit for him then, what a turd.

not that i give a shit now, just a rational observation.

i don’t think i’m ever going to talk about him ever again on this website. #BEST

my homie charlie joined the national guard, so he’ll be gone for a while our friends threw him a going away party in williamburg on friday…
there just so happened to be a photo booth in the bar…  these images were born. #best

it was nice to mingle with our old friends… i haven’t in a while, especially with my sister. majority of them were her close friends back then when ryan was still alive, but they’ve all been scattered good friends of mine at different times.

i won’t even waste finger tapping on the bullshit that happened when the spotting of the former happened… let’s just say whatever little shreds of respect and/or friendship could have been is dunzo.
too bad being a dick is what it really took to make me see clearly…
whatevz.

we have a friend who was friends with us both. knows what happened from both sides… was not a good friend to either me or steve since it happened – was more concerned about the other party… we honestly don’t in the grand scheme of things mean SHIT in her life… because of not hearing from her, not seeing her, and (wahhhh!) about the next thing i’m gonna say.

not for nothing, if one of my queens friends were down here @ coney… a phone call for a quick hook-up or an apt. drive by wouldn’t seem so strange to me. instead, i got the defensive end of an immature, insecure person who is not a friend at all… in fact, a few times when i was in queens i gave her a call and she didn’t pick up… so there’s MY effort. where’s hers?

instead of simply saying “i’m sorry” or “there will be other times we’re all down there” i get a defensive attitude and a “well i didn’t know how you and him were – if you’re talking or not…”… …really? why don’t you pick up a fucking phone and ask, or email me, or i.m. me… (…and the fact that its one of the first thing to spill out of your mouth when we’re talking about that says exactly what it is.) the whole “there’s a whole summer for coney outings…” blah blah blah. “you’re making all these faces and it’s annoying me” really? is that how friends talk to each other? p.s. – last year, the entire crew only gathered there together THREE times. so no, it’s not going to NOT be taken personally.

when i don’t get random “how’s the apartment” or “how’s brooklyn treating you” or a simple “how are you”, i don’t consider you a friend anymore. and the fact that i have that thrown in my face like i’m a psycho when i bring it up to you, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

if you’re friends with me… i won’t lie to you. off the bat… i’ll treat you like gold. and that’s one of my weakness’s. and honestly, because i know how wonderfully easy it is to be nice to people – i often expect the same… only to be let down.

lesson learned.

aside from getting into a screaming match with steve, and then bitching him out…  i ran into a lot of my friends, got HIGHLY inebriated, and also made an ass of myself.  for the most part, had a good time.

my friend john came out.  which was cool and strange. (we sorta used to hang out/date? in 2005)  …i had not seen him in ages…  he’s best friends with two kids that used to work at casci’s with me (one was with him, one of his friends i know was there too), that’s how we met…  and we had a good time.  turns out he’s got an anchor tattoo on his arm that reads “worship” & “tribute” in the scrolls.  HOW COOL/WEIRD? lol.  (okay, if you don’t know i have an anchor tattoo on my left arm and “worship/tribute” on my chest).  he says he told me about it but i honestly couldn’t remember and was amazed.  laura kept saying we were fated to be together… lol.  and yes, obv. he’s a huge glassjaw fan as well.

i saw one of andrews old friends and one of jeffs old friends – together.  weird, i hadn’t seen them in years either.  i can’t say that i remember most of our conversation other than mike telling me he was breeding his pitbull and joe loved that i could still spell his intricate italian last name in my phone, lol…  they were with my ex jeff’s ex marilyn who i take the bus/train with into work.  oh our little queens towns…

and the usual suspects were there…
and erica was out for a bit…

erica and i had gone out for dinner/sangria at like 6 and that’s when the madness started.  i didn’t get home until almost 4:45 AM.  you can only imagine the state that i was in.  i don’t remember a lot of the end of the night…  laura left to see her ex at some point that was working down the block at the tanning salon, my friends are lushes that stayed there, steve left after we fought, asshole left and i wound up making fun of him and what his ex was wearing (not knowing it was his ex – lace stockings and jean shorts? she’s not even fierce enough for that – pfft.) and stumbled home.

…and his dad was taking a shit.

in the dark.

with the lights off.

with the door wide open.

wtf.

gah.

and he just went “OHHHH OHH HOOOO” and i think he attempted to push me out. i ran out to the living room and was like, “holy shit – we have to go now. NOW!” lol

WORST.

never ever ever ever ever ever going to his house EVER again.

i mean, i never thought i was ever going to again to begin with, but this kinda finalized it for me, lol.

must. delete. social. websites.

EVIL.
and yes i realize its my fault, and not the websites fault…
…but DAMN for it being so easy to find, gah.
it’s just, awkward.

i’m such a fucking hypocrite, but at least i’m not posting pictures…

i have to do sidework for the local tattoo parlor mannnn tonight…  he’s got a printing business or something for shirts and he hit me up.  i really wanted to work on my idea for an op-ivy shirt though

AND now i have to tackle steve tonight, who apparently “wants to have a talk”…  :\

i just want to dye my hair and relax tonight dammit… grrr.

ugh i drank too much.  but i had a good time.  i got to watch head automatica next to someone awesome…

the set was ehhhh.  lots of new stuff, NOT including that new song that i know is going to be one of my favorite HA songs ever.

i had a miserable morning going home from middle village… it was FREEZING out this morning, and home seemed so far.  but i made it.  and i feel like a zombie today.

i’m gonna lay down.

so it’s friday night, i have nothing to do. but i kind of like that. i took a personal day off from work today to get some shit done… a mental health day if you will… NOT A SOUL HOME ALL DAY it was lovely.

i ended up going to eye doctor and errands, bs. had to go to the bank today to deposit a leftover check from cascarino’s. weird! i haven’t worked there in like six months… it was “money they owed me” from something or other… and go figure that they forgot to sign it. it’s a good thing i was allowed to cash it in the register because i was pissed that i went there last saturday and my former boss completely forgot to bring it with him… wonderful.

SO. the eye doctor says i need glasses
apparently i’m far sighted, thanks to computers. i knew it was coming! just didn’t realize so soon in life… my mom didn’t need glasses until her late 40′s…

hmm. so today i saw one of my ex’s friends… it was weird because i hadn’t seen him in ages and i didn’t know what to do because i thought he hated me. i smiled and he smiled back. cool… i waved with a finger and then stopped looking at his car. i remember when andrew and i broke up – he was the one who said he was “supposed to hate me”… i thought that was a fucked up thing to say, since i always got along with him well. i mean i understand it’s his boy or whatever but i felt like it was just a really mean thing to say… we’re not like 16 and in cliques or whatever. although that is quite a tight crew of friends. whatever. just something that happened.

well now that i conquered this thing, i have not much to do. so i’m going to try to fix this awful header i quickly threw together. maybe i’ll “pack” for my upstate journey this weekend… hope all the leaves haven’t fallen just yet