out with the faint, in with the deftones.
there will be no more new posts here, strictly archives.
i can’t believe that i’ve had this domain for 7 years. #rip
i finally sat down and watched “the lovely bones” this week.
i remember when i had first heard about how it was going to be made into a movie, i instinctively cringed for a second. i really loved this book. butttt, i was also really curious as to how they would depict heaven. i thought that they wouldn’t be able to pull it off, but honestly – they did. it was gorgeous.
i remember reading the book and crying on the train like an idiot within the first two chapters. i must have looked crazy, but it was so sad. i ended up crying so much more watching the movie than reading the book. marky mark is so good<3 (YES I STILL AND WILL ALWAYS CALL HIM THAT)
if you haven’t already seen the movie, i suggest reading the book first. i mean, usually that’s the case with me, lol. (and i’m sure many people) but seriously, the way i imagined her heaven compared to the movie was really something.
i just had my favorite aunts rings on (she passed away) and we had the same small size ring finger… it looked so pretty on my hand.
when she was alive, she always said i had the prettiest hands. every time i would see her, she’d grab them and hold them and smile<3
i had it on top of my rosary ring… and i thought to myself that it looked so pretty. then i got all depressed because i don’t feel like i’m ever going to be lucky enough to get married and rock a beautiful ring. i feel like my beautiful, dainty little ring finger will go to waste. man, i hate it when this shit sneaks up on me like this.
usually i don’t even think of things like this. maybe seeing my cousin who is a week younger than me having her first child and getting married saturday hit me a little?
dahhhh #worst
having her ring on also made me really miss her
this was my aunt carol<3333 oh, she fancy!
i absolutely loved this article and the quote below brought tears back to my eyes: (and it makes me want to go to the home opener so badly, but i will def. be crying if i do… the emotions will be high there that game.)
“Nevertheless, I know I am not the only one who had been looking forward to the Rangers home opener, and hearing the announcer say, “Number Ninety-four, Derek Boooooooooooogaaaaard,” and watching him step onto the ice, a battleship among the swifter, more diminutive members of the fleet.” – alec wilkinson
once colton orr was gone, i was so excited when derek boogaard stepped up. he was a feisty little brute! (or a rather large one…) and although brandon prust kicks a lot of arse on the ice, i really loved boogey. i couldn’t wait for his shoulder to heal, and for him to be back next season. for most of this season, he was out because of injury.
they found boogey deceased in his apartment today. he was only 28 years old
there hasn’t been any information on how he passed away.
to be honest with you, i can’t remember the last time i shed tears for someone of “celebrity” status – but i shed some ranger tears tonight.
i think i might have to rock a jersey all day tomorrow in honor of the NYR loss<3
this sucks.
RIP yvette vickers! [source]
i thought she was seductively gawguss! i even made her one of my ptd.org layouts way back when<333 (above)
strangely, they think that she was deceased in her home for over a year, and think she died peacefully/alone.
my friend teena’s brother was gunned down by cops the other night at her mother’s apartment. it was a horrible situation that was handled horribly as well… this was obviously, totally unexpected, and a horrifying thing to have to go through right before the holidays… if anyone could donate anything at all to her family, it would be amazing. i know it’s hard around this time with the holidays with money having gone towards presents, but even $1-$5 could add up…
i created a donation page for them that can be found by clicking here.
thanks<3
what have i been doing? i feel like i haven’t really posted here.
um. going to shows, hanging out with lauren and wilma, hanging out with jes, getting aggravated by a dude, being pleasantly surprised by another, meeting a new one, freelancing, going on a date?, going upstate a couple of times, hanging out at my moms, decorating for xmas, drinking too much coffee and booze, getting crazy on the ex, xmas shopping, crafting, cleaning, staying warm, etc.
the confusing bore that is my life… hopefully all changing soon.
alrighty! now that it’s officially december… i’m putting x-mas website wallpapers into the random background rotation here, and going to try to get into the spirit.
i haven’t enjoyed christmas in a long time… not because of anything jess-dramatic or bad associations with anything like the rest of my wretched life… christmas eve a few years ago was when my first aunt that died was really sick with lung cancer, emphysema and a lung infection. it was also around the same time that my other aunt had to get triple-bypass surgery… traumatic stuff, man.
when i was a kid, my aunt necie (the bypass surgery aunt) always hosted christmas eve… she had the biggest tree and a big house and everyone used to come over. she is my mothers sister, one of 7 sisters and 1 brother, so you can only imagine how packed the house was with each of them there and having at least two children there with them…
anyways, the year that aunt necie had the surgery she stopped hosting christmas eve. and it was really hard for my mother, my sister and i because that’s what we did ever since i was born. now we just feel kind of lost. and it’s sad that we all still don’t gather over there, but she just doesn’t want us to. and even though aunt carol didn’t die on christmas eve or day that year, i think we all associate that with this time of year.
on friday, jes and i are going to pick up a small christmas tree for my apartment. i wasn’t moved in last year in time for one, i wasn’t actually living/sleeping here until new years day… so it’ll be my first holiday here.
she bought me my first ornament for my tree, and friday we’ll be picking up a few more. i want to put together a fun christmas play list for us to get snookered to while we eat soft baked cookies, decorate my tree and hang lights. i have been searching everywhere on the internet for that madness “our house” and jingle bells mix from the new verizon commercial – it sounds awesome! and it got me all pumped for christmas…
i’ll have to put a play list together tomorrow because on thursday… rangers vs. the islanders. and i will be there. 
sooooooooooo when i moved to ridgewood, i didn’t bring one of my favorite things in the entire world with me… i’m not even entirely sure why, because i had opportunities with sophie’s array of large cars to bring it over… but for whatever reason, i had left it at my mothers house. and it was the worst decision, ever.
about six years ago, i was strolling through the warehouse part of ikea and came across what seemed like hundreds of piled up, chunky plastic chairs. my best friend sophie had one and i always thought it was cute, and at that time they were carrying hot pink ones… so i grabbed one at the amazing price of…………… $5! (#best) and it was seriously one of my favorite things about my bedroom decor.
when i moved out of my moms house this last time, my younger sister ended up taking my old room because it was larger than hers was. and that’s where i had left my precious chair.
one weekend, we were painting her new room from my dreary dark gray to a lovely shade of dark purple. and she thought it would be a genius idea to stand on my chair to paint an area that was higher than she could reach…
not so genius.
she went right through the damn chair with one of her legs.
the two lights are up in nyc… i saw them from dumbo tonight – and then again at marcy ave… i can’t even describe how it feels (i mean aside from horribly sad). i wish i could see the twin towers from my views now… i saw the skyline from jersey > port authority on 09/10 – the day before it all happened (literally – the night before… like, 9 hours before…). just visiting becca and frank on a whim in montclair, NJ… i remember looking at it and just feeling something strange that i couldn’t describe… just took it all in. (one last time.)
i dated a boy named harold that lived (literally) next to the twin towers – downtown. and we used to sit on his roof and sit right next to them. not only will i always associate him with that, but also – i keep the view fresh in the mind. i can still see it.
RIP everyone<3 and another year goes by in nyc…
i just resurrected this blog post from the day before i met my father:
(april 5, 2002)
“i talked to my daddy on the phone today! it was really weird. i didn’t want to talk to him – i just wanted to meet him but my grandma gave him the phone tonight because he came a day early lol. (from boston) my brother who was said so seem like a “cold fish” about it had his stuff packed last night so i guess that’s why they came down so early. it’s so cute :”] i’m so happy that they’re excited!
my poor dad is so nervous that he had like nothing to say on the phone. but that’s why i didn’t want to talk to him first i just wanted to see him but whatever. he’s got the DEEPEST voice lol.
okay i have to go shopping for something to wear now. i ran lotsa errands today :”] i got my eyebrows done and i got my dad and grandma cards too. i got a nice card for my dad with a poem that maya angelou wrote. it goes a lil somethin’ like this:
“We can not change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot the guilt and plant forgivness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate – therby, making the present comfortable and the future promising”.
haha i didn’t know WHERE to start when i got into hallmark… so i asked the lady at the counter and she picked out, well, a perfect one!! i love the poem – it’s exactly what i was looking for.”
today is my fathers birthday… he would have been 49.
until i eventually get all of the stuff off of my old hard drive, this is the only picture i have of us together
this is the day that we met, actually.
all i wanted was to see my brother today and he’s in boston… this sucks.
i need a bigger apt. i want a 1 bedroom instead of a studio… almost a year has been quite enough to realize this. as soon as i do gtfo – i’m getting myself a small dog. my cat hates me… it’d be therapeutic to have a furry little companion that loves me more than 40% of the time.
it’s hard to not sound cliché while saying this, but i’d love to be friends after the fact…
i know that i don’t deserve it…
(but in case you’re reading this…)
i miss you<3
the hills series finale was last night. this season in general was kinda meh… so i knew that the last episode wasn’t gonna be anything special… it’s just sad.
the music at the end, the sad remix version of the theme song, made me go:
(if you watched it and you’re a fan… you know…)
they had some lame after party thing with the cast on it… LC WAS THURRRR<3 :melt: and they kept showing all these old clips of the show through the years, made my little eyes tear up.
THIS IS SAD FOR ME
i will now stop posting about this for your sanity, and for the attempts of keeping you coming here, lol.
i’m usually team lilo, but this just crosses the line. when you bring my ranger boys into it, you’ve tainted my love for you. at least, temporarily…
pfft, puta borracha.
i just found out from a friend today that my “boy who got away” was well equipped 
we never did anything for whatever reason…
go fucking figure.
#wtfwasithinking
#justmyluck
#wompwomp
so i came across a blog post stating that uncle howie died… if you don’t know who he is, google him. when i worked for necro, howie was working for him as well. spent a bunch of time around him… he was always very nice to me (esp when a certain someone was being a prick) and he seemed like a good guy… he seemed clean at that point, too…
when my ex had a website for him and his crew, we had stickers made up and i had howie do this for him to post up on the site. we thought it was great.
rip howie
i find it funny that people jump so fast to use tumblr instead of an installed blog, what i find even funnier is that i find it insulting.
tumblr is for lazy bloggers. (sorry to my friends who do, but it’s true) wordpress has the same thing reblogging feature guys… just have to actually go install it… content rich blogs get me – not pictures and quotes…
i guess if you’re not big into development you don’t really give two shits.
i integrated my wordpress into the tumblr account i made ages ago that i don’t use, so ppl who follow me will see my posts either way. it just sucks because they won’t see my layout or comment on my posts unless they go to my site physically via the post link or a bookmark.
i lose.
i get that the network is cool…
just know you break this web developers manual coding heart<3
that is all.
when i started working at my job, i definitely didn’t know as much as i do now… and when i think back to when shawn trained me, he must have been like “omg, really?” lol… i know i would have thought that with half of the dumb questions that i had, or things i didn’t know being hired as a developer… and i mean, i know it was his job to train me – but it impacted me greatly, and i feel like the last two years was a huge stepping stone for me. sort of into adulthood? and my career…
coding has always been my thing, but it’s at a different level now. and shawn was there paving the way with me, so to speak. i tell him he’s my mentor all the time, lol. i really do mean it though.
anyways, aside from just being co-workers, we’re totally buddies. and tomorrow is his last day at work… no more making faces next to each other, no more lunch walks, no more pointing and laughing at beardo and calling him an arrogant prick and also for being a yankee fan, no more sharing of peanut butter cups, etc. – basically, going to be missing my friends everyday company…
sure, he’ll still be online all the time and we’ll be in the same city, but it’s not the same as being work buddies and seeing each other every day… as i wrote him before in a thank you card…
“this is an end of an era”.
this makes me seriously, very sad.
read: funny shawn posts!
i spoke to my brother yesterday for two hours… he went up to boston from florida to try to see my nephew last week and the mother wouldn’t let him see him. my brother was trying to reason with her and remain calm, he said she was being difficult… in the end, he didn’t see him.
he kinda scares me because sometimes when he tells me about the way he handles things, he sounds like my father. or at least that he’s following in his footsteps… which is obviously not a good thing, seeing as that my father died at 47 of cirrosis of the liver.
january is almost over and already i didn’t post much that has gone on this month in real life, worst.
i’m slowly forgetting about my (now seemingly pointless) relationship with george (sanity is finally coming back, as well as my appetite), i’m getting used to living on my own, i’m trying to be happy, i’m trying to feel like myself again now that my life has been unpacked, blah blah blah… i’ll cut the dramatic bull cocky.
i’ve been going out a bunch recently, in the last month actually.
been to bell quite a few times with my barista buddies from my job, and out with my sister and/or sophs on bell… the last two times i’ve been on bell have been a blast… landing project show, random nights…
connected with a twitter follower :x (hell yeah! that happened – creepy>kinda cute), ran into a ton of old friends (i use that term loosely, only really caring about seeing my cascarino’s peoples), re-connected with a charlie<3 met some new people, an irrational falling out with one… (ayiah – confused… :shrug: le sigh.), hung out with steve on sunday (kinda weird… not gonna lie.)
i miss erica, i don’t see her like 66 times a week anymore since i’ve moved – and she started working…
i miss sophs, she’s in florida.
this weekend i went upstate and had a ball.
that is all.
…if i denied that i’m fighting off a tiny little tear sesh.
i’m upset at myself for this.
(i know, i know – enough already, lol)
(more…)
…my computer exploded, lol. i have to install my new power supply and hope that’s the only the wrong with my computer
andddddd i have to make an appointment with time warner to get my internet, hopefully this weekend. then i’ll be back to updating!
my friend pat said he could search for people at work, so i asked him if he could find my brother recently… and so he found him for me yesterday. it’s been a long time since i had spoken to my fathers side of the family… i haven’t spoken to any of them since 2002 or 2003 i believe. long story short:
should have never started…
…aint that the way it always ends?
…actually happened tonight, oddly enough.
i dyed my bangs this milk chocolate brown colour i constantly try to describe to missy and we can never actually place… but i think it came out this colour because i dyed it over the horrible orange my hair was rocking the past week…
i’ve had a cold since sunday
today i felt better because i had a good nights sleep, but i developed a horrible cough that i guess was just clearing everything out… sounded gross but felt good.
i would be sleeping already if the damn rangers weren’t playing in another time zone, lol… i want to get a good nights sleep so i feel good tomorrow when i see renate! 
how fun?! now i just have to meet dr.ew and my web-to-real-life will be complete<3 lol
i miss sophie
she’s been in greece for the last two weeks, and i’ve needed her attention, support and hugs and she’s not here… worst. and while i was living in damn bayside too, dammit… i think she returns on friday. i’m going to have to steal her! i need help and guidance! things have been confusing and rough lately…
okay, need sleepy.
